I Googled how to spend the holidays


Holidays are weird. You spend entire semesters and working seasons gunning for ’em, but when they finally arrive and it’s suddenly super quiet, it’s like “now what?”

I had a reeeeeeally stressful semester. I definitely believe I deserve a break. But after bingewatching through three television series I felt antsy and, well, kinda trash for all that bingewatching. At the same time, though, doesn’t everyone deserve a break just to be trash? Isn’t that supposed to be *good* for you, even? So I asked Google questions about the holidays. You know, to save you some precious resting time.

“How to spend the holidays”

Google knew I felt guilty for doing nothing, so the first article was a WikiHow on “How to Spend the Holidays Productively.” Only things that caught my eye here were using holiday cards and get-togethers to network. These left a weird taste in my mouth. Moving on…

“How is resting healthy”

To relieve some guilt for doing nothing, I wanted to know if doing nothing is indeed good for you. The first link that came up was from the Daily Mail, so my optimism waned. However, there was one link from Mental Health America. Ah yes, this one had CITATIONS.

Release the body’s feel-good hormones—serotonin, prolactin, and oxytocin—and lower the stress hormone, cortisol, by petting a dog for 15 minutes.9 (citation for nerds)

Great. Now all I need is to get a dog to make sure I secrete the right hormones to have a productive rest this holiday season. Cue Christmas wishlist item for the last 22 years of my life…


“Christmas is overrated”

A bit of a cynical thought, but after 22 Christmases on this planet things start to get old, especially when your mum has been using the same Advent calendar since you were in elementary school and doesn’t even bother to put up the tree anymore.

Maybe I should just spend the holidays reading snarky articles put together by Millennials in list+gif form. Sure enough, the first link that popped up was Buzzfeed.

Then, I found a blog called Single Black Male by some guy named Slim.

I know that for many of the men I see, the stress is because they’re trying to conquer one of the many “moments of truth” of relationships. What exactly are the other “moments of truth”? Oh, that’s easy. I’m talking about birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day. These are the special days that we’re supposed to remember and cook up some thoughtful and/or costly gift that tells the other person where exactly they rank in our lives . . . Maybe we should change the name of these “moment of truth” or special days to Make Up Day 1, 2, and 3. Why? Because if we shine on these days it can make us feel better about all the things we didn’t do the other 362 or 361 days of the year.

Good points, Slim.

In the more impolite region, Adam, a “television and internet writer” (yay, my species) has a wonderfully snarky and hilarious article from 2009. He talks about why he hates Christmas music, looking at Christmas lights, and watching people go at Christmas shopping like “robots.” Some highlights:

First off, to the people who talk about Christmas during the summer, Fuck you. Take your bullshit and spew it someone else that finds gorgeous summer days and rays of sunshine annoying.

Another reason why Christmas annoys the fuck out of me, is the aforementioned Christmas Creep. 3 days after Halloween, I saw like 14 commercials for Christmas. Hey dick face department stores, we still have Thanksgiving to celebrate before your stupid, soul swallowing holiday becomes the main focus.

The only thing more annoying than Christmas music are the people who get excited because a musician they like are putting out a Christmas album. Listen idiots, there is literally no difference between the N’SYNC Christmas CD and the Justin Bieber Christmas CD. Just as there is no difference between your IQ when you were 14 and when you’re 27, you tasteless shell of a human.

I’m sure one day, I’ll have the money to buy all these people nice presents, but by that time, I’ll probably have a snot nosed little mouth breather for a fucktard kid that I have to spend all of my Christmas money on, lest he cry and scream the same way my ungrateful ass did when I was a kid. God, Christmas is annoying overrated.


Have a restful holiday, folks.



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